So much has happened since the last time I wrote to you. The biggest change is how much you are moving. It amazes me. I thought you were moving a lot before but little did I know you were capable of a great deal more! You are so busy stretching, kicking, and flipping around…funny enough, sometimes it actually makes me feel a little sea sick. Similar to that feeling one gets when just about to drop down on a roller coaster! You are still the busiest when I am trying to go to sleep and while I love to sleep, I love this time with you more. It’s our time to connect and feeling you jostle and squirm inside me is unreal… so much better than sleep.

Sleep is something that makes me laugh these days… it has been changing… I am up every two or three hours, every night. I am told this is nature’s way of preparing me for your arrival and I welcome it.  I am surprised at how little my new life with no sleep bothers me. I love sleep and before you came along was very possessive of my uninterrupted 8 hours. Now though, my lack of sleep feels like a rite of passage on my way to motherhood and I take pride in my yawns. I have welcomed my new sleepy eyed look at the world the same way I used to rejoice in sore muscles. It’s the result of hard work and that makes me happy. It’s the result of a growing selflessness and that makes me happy too. God knows I need it. So many aspects of me have been put on the backburner and to be honest, it’s refreshing. Less makeup, less desire to look a certain way, or feel a certain way, so much more perspective…. hopefully this new me continues to develop and grow as you do. Thanks to you,  I feel myself embracing a more natural take on life from all angles.

We are eagerly awaiting your arrival. The desire to see you, kiss you, and love you (in person) is very strong but I am also trying to remind myself that I need to cherish this special time of anticipation. Living in the moment is very challenging for me. But I am working on it…

I think our new Doula and birth program will help me with this. I am actively working on clearing the fear I have of any pain or harm coming to you during delivery, focusing on maintaining positive energy, eating well, and still getting lots of exercise. It must be working because life is in fact slowing down a bit.

The ability to slow things down is probably helped by the fact that your Daddy and I are in Maui. I am deliriously happy every second here…this place holds special memories for us and reminds me of great times spent with the people we love. You’ll be here too, right around your first birthday, and I am excited to share this special place with you. Your Daddy and I have been walking a great deal, talking about you, and looking at the whales. We have been surfing and believe it or not, you and I caught a wave on the paddleboard! Tomorrow your Daddy is going surfing on the north shore to take advantage of the big swell coming in. You and I will watch and take pictures from the shore. We’ve been snorkeling too!

I wish we could stay here and remain this happy and calm until your arrival, it’s just so perfect. Unfortunately though, we have to go back. We have 3 more weeks to finish at school and then we will try to create this same happy, calm environment at home in the last six weeks before your arrival. We have a lot of work to do but I am hoping I can bring Maui home with us so the peace of the island can get us through the next big slog.

I am dying to meet you but please take your time… we want you to come out fully cooked! Keep growing, work on those fat rolls, listen to our voices, find your toes, wiggle around, and get lots of rest. We will be here to welcome you into our arms and into your new life as soon as you are ready. We love you.

So things have changed A LOT since the last letter. First of all I feel great! I have tons of energy, have been able to get back into exercising, am sleeping well, and am no longer nauseous (ever).

Your Daddy and I do a lot of hiking on the weekends and during the week you and I do pilates, the stairs at the beach, and the elliptical machine at the gym. You already bring smiles wherever you go. People see my belly and just light up. It’s a great conversation starter and it makes strangers want to touch you through my belly. I never realized how much people like pregnant women. Good thing the touching and the conversation doesn’t bother me, because I can imagine for someone more shy, this could be very uncomfortable.

One of the other most miraculous parts of this pregnancy is that I can feel you move! It is by far, the best part of my day. I always stop what I am doing, put my hand on my belly and say hello to you. I keep wondering…can you hear me? Do you know I am here and so happy to feel you? I wonder how much you are thinking… What goes on in that little head of yours? Do you perk up when you hear our voices? Are you curious about the things you feel and hear?

On Christmas Eve, your Daddy got to feel you for the first time and then after feeling you move, he fell asleep with his hand on our belly. You were kicking his hand so much but he was sound asleep. I have a feeling there will be many more kicks in the weeks to come so I didn’t wake him up.

This past weekend we took a trip to Sedona and spent our days hiking. You were so still the entire time we hiked. I think the constant rocking is probably relaxing to you. Get used to it little one, this is the first of many adventures where you will get rocked to sleep while attached to one of our bodies. In your pre-life life you have already done so much, rock climbed, surfed, sailed, hiked, paddle boarded… just a taste of all the things to come.

Besides the people at the grocery store or that we encounter on hikes, you also have some adoring fans that are related to you. Your cousins, Ellie and Sabine, can’t wait to meet you. I think you will be the perfect distraction to their homework! Your Aunt Gretchen has already bought you sweet outfits and Aunt G and Granny are going to have their houses fully prepared for your entertainment. Granny is still lifting weights so she can keep up with you once you’re on the move.

I still can’t wait to meet you, but now that I feel better and am not so worried about you, the urgency has worn off. I am enjoying this time and am happy knowing that you are growing strong and healthy. Last week when I went to see the perinatologist for your growth check up, you weighed 1 pound 2 ounces and are in the 57th percentile. When the ultrasound tech put the picture on the screen you had your feet over your head and were holding on to your feet with your hands. It was darling. I still dream about your sweet face and funny personality. I know you are going to be the biggest gift we have ever received and I can’t wait for our life together. I love you little girl.

You and me 19 weeks Pregnant

Us with Aunt Lori and baby Lyla (33 weeks) You, 21 weeks.

Us at 22 weeks.

Us at 22 weeks in Sedona on a hike

Our family on a hike in Sedona

Things have gotten a little easier but not until we jumped a few hurdles. A week after I wrote the last entry we hiked up San Jacinto Mountain. The next day I thought I was losing you. I sat down on the toilet and blood came out of me like a slow faucet. Fortunately it wasn’t connected to the hike and even better, you were ok. Truly, I don’t think I have ever been more scared in my life. The thought of losing you was too much for me to bear. I was so thrilled the next morning when I heard your pounding heartbeat on the Doppler machine. The midwife found your heartbeat so fast. It was like you floated right to the top to let me know that you were ok. The next few weeks were tough because It took my body a while to stop the bleeding. Each trip to the bathroom was an exercise in mind control. I was so scared of finding more blood. I was so scared you weren’t going to make it. You did though. You stayed put.

We had our 12 week ultrasound and got to see your beautiful little body. You were so still and sweet. Sabine came with us and she was excited to see you too. You lifted up your hand and waved to us. I got a picture of your profile and I look at it every day. You are so beautiful already.

A few days later I got my blood work back and we found out you were at a high risk for down syndrome. You Daddy was not worried at all, and I was a complete wreck.  The midwife said you had a 1 in 50 chance of having Down Syndrome which is high compared to the 1 in 10,000 chance most babies have. Your Aunt Gretchen came with me to the doctor and waited with me while I received a procedure called a CVS. They stuck a needle through my belly and took a sample of the placenta. They sent the sample to the lab where they counted all the chromosomes. Turns out you have all 46 ( you do NOT have Down Syndrome) and we found out that you are a girl. I knew this already but it was nice to hear it for certain. That weekend, we had Duane, Chelsea, Zealand, and Avery at our house with us. It was so nice to talk with Chelsea and to hold Avery. The two of them were the perfect support during this tough weekend.

The weeks between 11-13 were the hardest so far. I was so nervous about losing you and so sick at the same time. I actually didn’t start feeling better until week 15. I am mostly better now, the nausea has pretty much subsided. I still get fairly nauseous at times but it is 15% of what it was before. Although, that 15% still knocks me out when it comes.

I am still having a hard time eating all the foods I am supposed to. I have been told to eat lots of protein and dark green leafy veggies. Tonight I was lying in bed thinking that I hadn’t had one vegetable today. I thought about you in my belly and how you are depending entirely on me to give you everything you need to build a body. I forced myself to get up and eat a salad. It was like eating dirt with a fork. But at this point, I will do anything to make sure you get what you need.

Your Daddy has been the most wonderful support for me over these past few weeks. When I am sick he rubs my back and makes us breakfast and dinner. He is so loving and compassionate. He makes really good eggs which helps us get our protein. I keep thinking that I want to give him a gift to thank him for how supportive and generous he has been but then I remember that we are getting you and I think that will be the biggest gift of all. You are so lucky that you get him as your Daddy. He has so much love to give and I know you will be showered with it just like I am.

The one thing that hasn’t changed since my last entry is how slow time moves. I want to hold you in my arms so badly that the days feel like weeks. I still don’t know how I am going to wait until the end of April. It feels so far away.  Currently, I am going to sleep every night waiting to feel your movement inside of me. It’s still early but I keep hoping one of these nights you will say hello. I love you little baby.

You at 12 weeks

I am borrowing Chelsea’s beautiful baby letter writing idea because it has brought me so much joy over the last two years. While reading her letters I kept hoping that one day I could give the same gift to my own baby. Well, the time has come.

Dear baby at 10 weeks (in utero):

This has been the most marvelous and difficult 8 weeks of my life. I keep asking myself, is this easier or harder than climbing Mount Kilimanjaro? Each time, the answer is without question, harder. Harder for a few reasons…

1. I haven’t quite figured out how to balance how dichotomous this experience is. On one hand I feel so excited and blessed and on the other so nauseous and miserable.
2.  I am so much more worried all the time about how you are doing in there when in truth I didn’t really care that much about how much my own body was doing when I was throwing up every 20 minutes on the mountain.
3.  Had I lost Kilimanjaro I would have been disappointed but If I loose you, I don’t know if I will ever fully recover.
4. And lastly, Kilimanjaro always seemed so much closer, and you on the other hand seem so far away.

How can I possibly wait until the end of April to meet you? I feel like I am 5 years old again waiting desperately for Santa Claus to come. Never would I have guessed then that the world’s best present was yet to come. You are going to be so much better than the Barbie vacation house.

For memory’s sake I should talk a bit about the nausea. I am not as bad as some, probably worse than others, but for me… this has been the biggest mountain I have ever climbed. One of the hardest parts is that the only consistency is that there is no consistency. It comes and goes or stays for the day. I never know which it’s going to be. The food repulsions and cravings have been interesting too. The other day I gagged at hearing the word “enchilada,” but an hour later “pizza” induced my gag reflex. This definitely works in extremes. The real problem comes when everything is disgusting but I know I have to eat. That’s when warm pasta with a little olive oil is what I pick. I have been eating a lot of that lately.

You have such a big job in there and I am trying my hardest to give you everything you need. Which unfortunately in this case is mostly coming in the form of a prenatal vitamin. I can barely get down a vegetable and mostly everything I eat is white. I did buy what is supposed to be the worlds best prenatal (or so the folks at Whole Foods tell me so) so lets hope you are getting all the nutrients you need. I am hoping my lack of dietary nutrition isn’t going to have too big of an impact on your developing brain. Just another thing I can’t help worrying about. Fortunately for you, your Daddy is the smartest person I know. You certainly have his brain genes and he has given you way more than you will ever need. So, if we loose a few on the way, you will still be brilliant.

You might wonder how I know you have your Daddy’s brain… a few weeks ago, just a few days after I learned that your brain was in it’s beginning developmental stages, I had a dream. The dream was filled with engineering blueprints and complex mathematical equations. Let’s just say….those definitely don’t come from me! Somehow your little brain hijacked my dream and I am thrilled. You keep working on those mathematical equations while inside my tummy and I will work on your emotional intelligence once you come out.

I am constantly battling trying to stay patient with wanting you in my arms right this instant. I can’t fall asleep at night because I am dreaming about your face, your hands and feet, your skin, your eyes, and how much I hope you are going to look just like your daddy.  I love you little baby.

a 10 week bump