Dear Shiloh, 

I am flooded with gratitude that you are here, three years old, chatty and sensitive, observant, healthy, strong and thoughtful, silly, loving, smart as a whip, grounded, and good. You are so good. You want to be understood, you want to make helpful choices, and you sincerely want to please us, but you get stuck in your exhaustion from trying to keep up! 

Sage calls you “the lover,” and she nailed it.  You are gentle, sensitive, tender, observant, empathic, and nurturing. You crave security and predictability, you notice the teeniest tiniest things and you are the medicine to the physical and emotional aches in our family. You’re our little cancer baby, born in the water and like the water, you flow swiftly while simultaneously smoothing the sharp edges in your path. 

For a long time I worried that if I let you out into the world, it would crush you. But the longer I spend with you, I realize that you have more strength than I give you credit for. I hear you stand up to your sister and you let your Dad know when he uses a tone of voice you don’t like. You even told a police officer (on the site of an emergency) that he should probably park somewhere else because he was blocking traffic.

Dear Sage at 9,

The past few years have flown by more than ever before. As I think about you growing older, I feel nostalgic for the days when you were our only child. For four years we explored the world with you, gave you every ounce of our available time, listened to your stories, adventured in the outdoors, played with you, celebrated you… And while I am certain you didn’t come here to be an only child, I do wish I had more time to dedicate to you. 

It’s funny how little has changed in a year. I still love the busy and full home. I still feel the sting that you may be our last.  I still find three children easier than two and I still feel like the more children we have the more I want. Sometimes I wonder when enough children would truly feel like enough! haha. Being a mother and caring for you and your older siblings is the light of my life and I wish this phase could go on forever.  

I worry these days full of constant chatter, singing, laughing, bickering, messes, sticky fingers, tears, hugs, stories, big ideas… will be the happiest moments of my life. I’m in the midst of it and I already miss it. You magical children and your dedicated father are my everything and I’m grateful I have the time and ability to make our relationships my biggest priority. 

Shiloh, it has been a wild year! Just before you turned one the Coronavirus pandemic hit AND we accepted an opportunity to move to England. From March to the end of July was anxiety provoking, distracting, and worrisome as we juggled concern for the health of our family and loved ones while also wondering if we were going to get our visas and move to England. I felt like every day was a struggle to stay in the moment and be truly present. My mind buzzed off to a very unpredictable future that was staring me in the face. The future is always unpredictable but in this case the reality of it felt exacerbated by the events in our lives. Despite the crazy circumstances of the past year, I still found the time and space to really enjoy you as a one year old. You are so much fun and if anyone helped bring me back to reality in this past year, it was you and your siblings.

Here’s a little about you… 

As I went to write “Dear Shiloh at 2 years old” I realized I forgot to post last year’s “Dear Shiloh at 1 year” DOH! This writing sat in my doc folder for an entire year! I felt guilty for about 30 seconds and then I figured, better late never. Shiloh’s first year in pictures and a love letter… just in time for his 2nd birthday : )

Dear Shiloh at 1 year,

Nothing marks the passing of time like a growing child. This year was fierce and fast, sweet and slow. You are (most likely) our last baby and that makes my heart sting. I can’t wrap my head around the idea because I truly love being a Mother and I love babies. I love a full, busy home and being pushed to find more patience and open-mindedness. You all force me to slow down and pay attention. I am learning so much and appreciate my growing awareness of how each of you need different things. 

Sage, I need to start by saying, if you ever end up reading these… the lag in posts has nothing to do with how much I love you but everything to do with life being full and busy. I am spending more time caring for you and little Cedar (and now baby Shiloh) than in front of my computer, which is usually a good thing… except when it comes to posts! 

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Hi Sweet Boy! I can’t believe you are almost two and a half. I have cherished this time with you. Being able to stay at home and raise you and your sister has been my greatest privilege. I throw my whole-self into being the best parent possible and I am grateful to have found this calling. Even in the hard moments I am aware of how beautiful my life is and how lucky I am. 

You my dear, are someone we all treasure. For your two year old birthday I posted that you are the water to our fire and the sugar to our spice. This couldn’t be more true. You are quiet, pensive, and gentle. The only time you get even the littlest bit wild is when you are encouraged by your sister. You love trying to match her enthusiasm by running races with her around the house, yelling, and being silly. But when she’s not around, you are very quiet and peaceful. You can sit and look at books or draw for up to 30 mins! You You have started the two year old tantrums but they really are few and far between and seem to come when we have pushed you too long in too much stimulation. Most recently it was a sad meltdown in The Monterey Bay Aquarium. We were coming off a very busy 10 days and I think you had reached your max.

Your language is developing rapidly and we still miss some of what you try to say. Sage speaks your language and is our trusty translator. You have developed a few new favorite words and phrases in our home like, “oh hay” instead of “ok” and “some too, some too.” You also like to correct me when I call you a silly name like, “are you my goober?” and you say, “No, I Cedar” you say your name like “see duh.” You have also introduced the concept of “poopy dot” sometimes “poopy dot” is a person, sometimes it’s a food… you use it at your convenience knowing it will make us all laugh.

You have the sweetest little singing voice and I love hearing you sing. You sing “Baby Mine” with me before you go to sleep and have just started singing, “Twinke, Twinkle” When we listen to music in the car you often repeat the singing you hear through the speakers. I think you will enjoy learning a musical instrument when you get older. You enjoy watching for the trash truck, and you like your truck books and your toy cars but in the next moment you will enjoy the doll house and coloring. It is amazing to me how much you like to color. You can sit for long periods of time drawing circles and lines all over the page. You can also sit for long stories. You have a calm body and the sweetest disposition.

You are a finicky eater. If foods are too hot you don’t like them, same with combinations. Rice and beans or lasagna- no way. You aren’t very interested in vegetables. You will eat some broccoli but besides that you get your veggies from smoothies. You are picky and you don’t eat very much which isn’t the easiest combination. Your Occupational Therapist Julie (who you love) is giving us lots of good strategies to help you eat more. You love perfect bars, flavored whole milk greek yogurt, apple-sauce and simple foods like pasta and peanut butter/jelly sandwiches. We are working on stimulating your appetite through sensory stimulating activities before eating. Julie describes you as low-affect and I would agree with her when it comes to public environments or when there are new people around. You can appear very serious. You also have a tendency to shut down and get very quiet in over stimulating environments which makes it hard for me to remember to check in on you. You are also very compliant and cautious. Pretty much making you the easiest two year old in town. Occupational Therapy has been wonderful for you. Since going regularly you are eating more and catching up on your gross motor skills. You are getting bolder and braver- all signs of feeling safer in your environment. 

A few things about you

• You love picking your nose
• You like to say “I do it!” or “Cedar do it!”
• You demand to get in and out of the car by yourself. Your favorite way to get in the car is through the hatch-back so you can climb over the back seat.
• You LOVE your balance bike and are getting really fast. It’s so cute to see you lift your feet up!
• You would prefer to be barefoot.
• You love to ride on the front of Daddy’s bike all over town. You ride the bike to take Sage to ballet, to school, sometimes head to the grocery store or the park.  
• You are an early riser. Generally I can count on you waking up about 6:45am
• You aren’t the longest napper. Mostly between an hour and an hour and a half.
• I tell you about 1,000 times a day how much I love you and you respond with, “Daddy luh you, mama luh you. Sagey luh you. Everybody luh you” or you say, “I luh you too mama”
• When we were at a friend’s house in San Diego and the kids were dancing to punk rock in the bedroom, you came out and said, “too crazy.” You just wanted to play quietly and weren’t interested in the dance party.
• You chose to be a unicorn for Halloween (last year’s costume) which was spot on for your personality. I showed you a tiger costume and you were not interested. You prefer the soft colors and sweetness of a unicorn.

Cedar you amaze me. I think the most amazing thing is just how different you are from your sister. I love you both immensely and it blows my mind to witness how two such different people can come from the same parents. It’s also been much easier enjoying a two year old for my second time around. I am not spending so much time trying to figure it all out and can just enjoy you. That’s pretty much my day- enjoying you! Thank you for coming to our family. I didn’t know how much better life could get!

You have a new sibling coming in March which is bittersweet. You are my baby and the sweetest member of the family so it’s hard to imagine a new baby in our daily routine. I hope you will enjoy being a big brother and having someone look up to you the way you look up to Sage. You already are an excellent role model. It doesn’t get much sweeter than you. 

I promise to continue to read and educate myself on how to be the best mama I can be. You and your sister comprise my most valuable work and I take my mothering practice very seriously. I promise to listen, grow, and stretch as you both push me to new and unfamiliar places. You are my teachers and I am eager to keep learning. Love you!

On a backpacking trip this past summer

You are the snuggliest little peanut. 

Rocking Sage’s leotard

With the Goldman kids at Tumalo Falls!

Your bike is your most prized possession. 

On the summit of South Sister

Sharing a fry with Sage at Bend Burger Co

Loading the car for our backpacking trip

We did not name you after our camper trailer but it is a fortunate coincidence!

With the piggies on the hobby farm where you do Occupational Therapy

On a walk with Granny on the River Trail. 

Checking out the tide pools at the Monterey bay Aquarium

Disneyland!

Watching for Sage and Daddy on Thunder Mountain!

Playing pool at the Baudinos

This is your version of thumbs up at your first dentist appointment. 

Halloween!

Dear Darling Cedar.

It’s true what they say about baby number two. It’s much harder to keep up with these posts, milestones, and pictures! I am trying not to be too hard on myself. I have less time to sit at my computer because I am spending time enjoying YOU!

You are the sweetest, gentlest, most scrumptious little boy. As of now, you don’t have an aggressive bone in your body. You are cautious, thoughtful, observant, quiet, and calm. I think you picked our family because you knew we needed to slow down. I consider it a huge compliment you picked me to be your mama. Somehow you knew I would celebrate the challenge of parenting two opposite little humans. My strategies in parenting you and Sage are already very different!

Here are some milestones and facts from 6 months to 13 months

• 6-9 months were a difficult stretch for us. You picked up cold after cold so you were snotty, coughy, cranky and waking up every 2 hours all night long. It was brutal! I had to meet with a sleep consultant to help us help you sleep through the night. She was all about gentle, no cry-it-out methods, and it really helped. We adjusted your nap times and your awake windows and you improved!
• At 9 months You take your time with all you do. Even when you are army crawling after Sage as fast as you can you start to cry. I think it stresses you out.
• You are reaching your milestones a little later than your peers but slowly and steadily you are checking them off the list. We started working with an Occupational Therapist to help you with your crawling. She gave me some exercises to do with you and I saw a quick improvement in your strength.
• At 9 months you started to use your arms to drag yourself around the house and luckily your legs soon followed.
• At 9 months you started a fake laugh. When you hear me laughing on the phone with a friend, or when Sage and I are laughing about something, you start laughing to join in on the fun.
• You got your first two teeth at 10 months! One right after the next.
• At 10.5 months you don’t have your belly off the ground yet but you are moving all over the house.
• 10.5 months you have figured out names for each of us, Sage is “Ba” Dad is “Da” and I am “Ma.” You yell my name from across the house when you want to check in. And you crawl past Sage’s room and yell for her. “BAAAAA” Then “MAAAAA,” when you want to find me.  It’s the only loud thing you do. Ever.
• At 10.5 months (Monday May 15th) You gazed into my eye and said, “mama” It was the SWEETEST thing.
• At almost 11 months you have started saying “all done” which sounds like “Ahhh Duhhh” you repeat some of the words we say which is startling and funny at the same time. Yesterday you clearly said, “Buh Buh” for “Bye bye”
• At 6 days before 11 months you have started to pull up. the first time you officially pulled up was at Lori’s house. You pulled up on her couch!
• Now a few days later you are pulling up on everything!
• At 11 months, You are good about not putting things in your mouth. You don’t eat sand at the bay or at the playground. And it’s almost like you can sense if something is not for eating. You choose instead to explore it with your hands. Sage hands you all kinds of things… leaves, flowers, rocks… thankfully you mostly keep them in your hands. I am not too nervous about you choking on things you find. For some reason you do like to put lint and stray hairs in your mouth. I pull stuff out sometimes and wonder how long it’s been in there! Maybe I need to vacuum more : )
• At 11 months, You eat pretty well. Bananas are your favorite. You rarely ever turn those down. You also like broccoli, chicken, turkey, scrambled eggs, apple sauce, oatmeal, strawberries, and I am sure I am forgetting a few. Other things are hit or miss.
• There is zero screen time for you nor do you have any toys that make noise or light up. Our house is quiet and I have made it priority to bring toys in our space that are mostly wooden and natural. Our intention is for you to learn, like Sage did, to entertain yourself and use your imagination. Sage can make 30m of playtime out of the seltzer water bottles in the cabinet! You like to knock them all over like bowling pins.
• I love watching you entertain yourself. You love opening and closing doors. You love Daddy’s wireless keyboard, pushing buttons on printer (until we catch you and redirect you), trying to open the drawers in the refrigerator and rearranging the condiments on the inside door of the fridge. I am going to designate a kitchen drawer full of odds and ends for you in our new house.
• At ll months, you have a great attention span.
• People who meet you often comment on how calm you are. They say, “He’s SO mellow!”
• At 11 months you already have a few words. You have added HAAAAA (Hi) and Granny heard you say your own version of “Thank you.”
• At 11.5 months your belly got off the ground and you moved from army crawl to traditional crawl.
• We moved into our new home in Bend one day before your first birthday. I didn’t write much stuff down during month 12! We were too busy living : )
• At 13 months you are not even close to walking. haha. You still prefer to sit back and watch and are very happy crawling around.
• You love the stairs. Up and down, up and down. You figured out how to go down safely at Granny’s at about 11months so you like to slide down the stairs now on your belly feet first. You go pretty fast!
• At 13 months you regularly say Dada. You like to say bird and dog and duck. Bird is like ah ah ah, dog and duck are almost identical. You like seeing ducks when we are out and about in town. There are lots of dogs in Bend so you end up barking quite a bit.
• Even though I have been signing with you since about 6 months you haven’t picked it up. You skipped right over signing and instead just try to say the word. For more you say  “Ma-ah!”
• You love drinking out of my big hydroflask water bottle. You take big gulps and spit the rest out.
• You “help” me do the laundry. Which pretty much means you undo everything I do. Folded laundry in the basket gets thrown out back onto the floor. I have to be quick!
• You enjoy riding on the front of the bike with Daddy and in the trailer with me.
• You still suck at sleeping. Sorry, but true. Your naps usually end after about 40m and you are still up about every 3-5 hours at night. ugh. Things got better before we left our condo in Hillcrest but since we moved out and are still transitioning into our new home you regressed. It doesn’t help that we are not on a schedule. Again, we are out having too much fun. I swear I will get better at this when school starts.
• You don’t fall asleep just anywhere. You are too mentally engaged in what’s happening around you to fall asleep on the go. This makes it tricky because you easily get overtired. You will fall asleep in the car but don’t sleep great in the Ergo or in the stroller. So different from Sage.
• You love playing patty cake
• You love to kiss and snuggle. Your kisses are more like a huge open mouth attack but they are sweet nonetheless.
• You generally don’t like it when your sister picks you up and moves you around the house, and you have started telling her how you feel by screeching.
• At 13 months you weigh exactly 17 lbs. Way to hit the 2nd percentile sweet pea!

What we sensed about you in the beginning has so far turned out to be true. You are a gentle, observant soul. You are calm and sweet and can make me laugh with your funny little facial expressions.

I adore you so much it feels like my heart is going to explode. I have treasured this 13 months with you. I was hoping, because I wasn’t working, it would go by slower  but unfortunately, time still moves at the speed of light. Regardless, I will treasure this time being “just a Mommy” forever. I have certainly found my calling. Pouring my heart and mind into caring for you, your sister, Daddy, and our home feels like a beautiful privilege. Definitely not a sacrifice.  You make my life so much better and I wouldn’t choose to spend it any other way.

Pictures are in rough order starting about 6 months and ending at 13months.

Baby boy you are a light in our lives. I am honored you chose us to be your family and humbled by the opportunity to be your mother. You are gentle, observant, calm and happy. You have a sweet soul. When in a new environment, you are most comfortable when given the opportunity to look around and get your bearings. If we move to quickly I can tell you are overwhelmed. You are very observant. You nap best at home where it’s quiet and dark. When we are out, the stimulation of the world keeps you alert and awake. You don’t want to miss a thing.

From the get go, Sage had an aggressive approach to life. She jumps feet first into everything. She acts first, thinks later. You on the other hand prefer to sit back, observe your surroundings, and evaluate. Sage offered her smiles to anyone in her sight. You are pickier about who you interact with but you choose well. This reminds me of your Dad. Once you get him relaxed and settled, when he knows he’s in good company, his warm eyes and big smile brightens up a room. But if he’s not in the right mood, or surrounded by the wrong people, you don’t get much out of him. You appreciate people approaching you warmly and slowly.

You are incredibly cute. You have the yummiest little face. I love your cheeks and your smiles. You aren’t a big talker… but you aren’t shy either. You are a strong observer. Once in awhile, if we get you going, you vocalize your happiness to us and we love it. When it’s just you and me, I can get you in a baby conversation and you tell me all about your world.

You love the bath, being naked, sitting on laps, reaching, touching, putting things in your mouth, and watching your sister. She is loud and busy. You mostly find her entertaining.  It took you awhile to grow accustomed to her energy. At times she continues to overwhelm you but the ratios are turning, and you currently like her more than you dislike her.  You don’t like when she handles your body too firmly or when she (or anyone) gets too big in your personal space.  

You are a good sleeper! We got through a tough sleep regression at 3 ½ months that I thought was going to kill me. It lasted 4-5 weeks. You were up every 2-3 hours all night. Fortunately I am not working so I rode it out, drank coffee, cut way back on our schedule, and pushed through.  Just when I was about to call the gentle sleep consultant, you transitioned back into longer stretches and now go about 5-7 hours in your first leg. After that you are up about every 3 but you always go right back to sleep. We are currently playing musical beds. One adult is sleeping with one child, or all of us pile in together… it’s how we like it. We like to be close and snuggly. I can’t imagine having you or your sister sleeping alone across the hall. We stick together. It’s really the only time your sister is quiet so why wouldn’t we want her in our arms all night long?! And you are just too much squishy cuteness to leave alone. So a sleeping family we will stay!

You are a little guy. At your 5 month check up, you dropped from the 6th percentile to the 1st percentile. The pediatrician recommended that we try and boost my milk supply, which we did, but you still weren’t interested in drinking more milk. You know just how much you want and leave it at that. At your 6th month check up, you were considered underweight so we started to introduce solid food. You love pizza crust and all chewy breads. You hold them in your hand and gnaw away. You also like sweet potato mixed with ghee and olive oil. The jury is still out on avocado, banana, and eggs. I am trying to have faith in your genetics, we don’t have big people in our family, but at the same time, it wouldn’t hurt if you got a few rolls so I didn’t have concern in the back of my mind. 

I love being your mother. I get a little overwhelmed when everyone needs something from me right at the same time, but generally, I am the happiest I have ever been. It’s a great privilege to dedicate my days to caring for you and our family. One that I am not taking for granted.

Thank you for helping me stay calm and focused on what really matters in life. You are the boost of confidence I needed after 4 years of figuring out who I am as a mother. I love you Cedar Bear!

Dear my sweet boy, this is all about you from 0 to 3 months old. (posted almost a month late, but everything written was up to date as of 3 months!)

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