Things have gotten a little easier but not until we jumped a few hurdles. A week after I wrote the last entry we hiked up San Jacinto Mountain. The next day I thought I was losing you. I sat down on the toilet and blood came out of me like a slow faucet. Fortunately it wasn’t connected to the hike and even better, you were ok. Truly, I don’t think I have ever been more scared in my life. The thought of losing you was too much for me to bear. I was so thrilled the next morning when I heard your pounding heartbeat on the Doppler machine. The midwife found your heartbeat so fast. It was like you floated right to the top to let me know that you were ok. The next few weeks were tough because It took my body a while to stop the bleeding. Each trip to the bathroom was an exercise in mind control. I was so scared of finding more blood. I was so scared you weren’t going to make it. You did though. You stayed put.

We had our 12 week ultrasound and got to see your beautiful little body. You were so still and sweet. Sabine came with us and she was excited to see you too. You lifted up your hand and waved to us. I got a picture of your profile and I look at it every day. You are so beautiful already.

A few days later I got my blood work back and we found out you were at a high risk for down syndrome. You Daddy was not worried at all, and I was a complete wreck.  The midwife said you had a 1 in 50 chance of having Down Syndrome which is high compared to the 1 in 10,000 chance most babies have. Your Aunt Gretchen came with me to the doctor and waited with me while I received a procedure called a CVS. They stuck a needle through my belly and took a sample of the placenta. They sent the sample to the lab where they counted all the chromosomes. Turns out you have all 46 ( you do NOT have Down Syndrome) and we found out that you are a girl. I knew this already but it was nice to hear it for certain. That weekend, we had Duane, Chelsea, Zealand, and Avery at our house with us. It was so nice to talk with Chelsea and to hold Avery. The two of them were the perfect support during this tough weekend.

The weeks between 11-13 were the hardest so far. I was so nervous about losing you and so sick at the same time. I actually didn’t start feeling better until week 15. I am mostly better now, the nausea has pretty much subsided. I still get fairly nauseous at times but it is 15% of what it was before. Although, that 15% still knocks me out when it comes.

I am still having a hard time eating all the foods I am supposed to. I have been told to eat lots of protein and dark green leafy veggies. Tonight I was lying in bed thinking that I hadn’t had one vegetable today. I thought about you in my belly and how you are depending entirely on me to give you everything you need to build a body. I forced myself to get up and eat a salad. It was like eating dirt with a fork. But at this point, I will do anything to make sure you get what you need.

Your Daddy has been the most wonderful support for me over these past few weeks. When I am sick he rubs my back and makes us breakfast and dinner. He is so loving and compassionate. He makes really good eggs which helps us get our protein. I keep thinking that I want to give him a gift to thank him for how supportive and generous he has been but then I remember that we are getting you and I think that will be the biggest gift of all. You are so lucky that you get him as your Daddy. He has so much love to give and I know you will be showered with it just like I am.

The one thing that hasn’t changed since my last entry is how slow time moves. I want to hold you in my arms so badly that the days feel like weeks. I still don’t know how I am going to wait until the end of April. It feels so far away.  Currently, I am going to sleep every night waiting to feel your movement inside of me. It’s still early but I keep hoping one of these nights you will say hello. I love you little baby.

You at 12 weeks

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